An untimely failiure

You might have realised I have not posted any updates about my progress and if you are thinking I probably couldn't keep to it then you are right, I couldn't.

I was not sure I would write another post, I mean what's the point if I already failed. But then... There is a reason I failed and however embarrassed and bad I feel about it, maybe getting it off my chest will help someone realise that they are not alone. I do have to acknowledge that it is VERY hard to make the switch but I don't want to give up, I cannot give up. I need to put it in words if I ever want it to work.

What happened is that on Wednesday evening (yes, it was only the third day of my new diet) I ate half a cake. It was Iceland's Chocoberry Meltdown. In case you don't know, it's a chocolate spongecake base with chocolate and vanilla mousse and loads of raspberries on top, and the whole lot covered in thick, sweet chocolate. Because I like it almost straight out of the freezer, the chocolate is still crispy cold, but the mousse is light and fluffy and the whole lot is very very sweet, except the raspberries are so refreshingly sour in it... It's my favourite cake ever, I love the taste, I love the texture, I simply just can't stop eating it. It was pathetic. I was sitting there on the sofa, baby already down for the night in her room, and I just couldn't help it. I was spooning it into my mouth like there was no tomorrow, and there was no stopping me until I was feeling sick of it and even then I still had a little more. And what did it do for me? Was I feeling good at least for a little while? Well, of course I wasn't. Even while eating it, I was feeling guilty and... There is no other word for it. Pathetic. Sounds familiar to anyone?

So why was I doing it then? Even before I started, I knew exactly what it would be like, I knew I would hate myself for it, I knew if I went ahead and ate that cake I would feel a failure and just get into a vicious circle where I feel bad about myself and because I feel bad I eat sweets and chocolate and cake and because I eat them I just feel even worse, physically, mentally and in all possible ways. So why, why, why?? I have been asking myself this same question ever since and I have some answers I think. Three to be exact.

First is, and I have been pretty sure of this for quite a while, sugar makes you addicted. I think I also read about this somewhere, I am not sure, but I think you do develop a physical addiction. It may not be as bad as alcohol for example or drugs but it is still difficult to overcome it. I am sure you, too know that feeling of restlessness that creeps on you in the late afternoon, early evening when you start pacing around the flat opening cupboards and the fridge, watching telly and concentrating very hard to keep your hands by your side because you feel the urge to use them to keep putting snacks into your mouth. Some might say it's just boredom and that I should do something meaningful instead of watching telly and they may as well be right. Others may say I just simply don't have a strong enough willpower and that could be true, too. I don't know, really. All I know, is that I really struggle with this.

Secondly, I am feeling quite a bit restricted already, being a mum. Now I am not saying I am not enjoying being a mum, because I do and I wouldn't trade it for the world. But it does come with sacrifices, isolation and a lot of stress. Adding more restrictions in the form of eliminating entire food groups from my diet is sometimes a bit too much to put up with. Ironically, I know it from experience that sticking with this diet in the long run feels liberating. You feel less stressed, less anxious, more energetic, less of a prisoner in your own body. I just wish getting to that stage was less of a fight. Thinking about it, I am feeling ridiculous again. Do you know how long it takes to start feeling those benefits? About a week. Maybe even less. And it just gets better afterwards. Is it really so bloody difficult to stick it out for a week at least? What is wrong with me?

Thirdly, doing it all alone while having others in the household eating everything you can't, makes it even more difficult. I mean, it's easier not to eat those cakes if you don't have them in your fridge, isn't it? Now before someone thinks I am trying to blame my failure on others, this is not what I am saying. Everyone should be able to live the way they want and eat what they want and if my husband says he is not ready to make this change, I will respect his decision and not push him into it. It doesn't change the fact that if there is a Chocoberry Meltdown in the freezer when the afternoon restlessness kicks in, it is bloody difficult to resist.

Now if I was someone else, the advice I would give is this:
Decide if you want to do it or not and act accordingly. Either stop beating yourself up and leave the whole thing or stop making excuses and just do it.

I think it is good advice. Except, why am I not taking it from me then? What is it that is stopping me? Is it really those three things I listed above? Or something else? Would it be any different if I had someone doing it with me? If I didn't have anything at home I shouldn't eat? Is it really just a matter of willpower?

The last three weeks I have been feeling pretty bad about this whole situation and I was almost at the point to say  I will just give up this whole notion of a Paleo diet, because I am not strong enough to do it. Then I came across this website and have been researching it for days on end now. It gives you all the information, and not just about what to eat but a whole new lifestyle, a lifestyle I would love to have. It made me want it all again. I want to be healthy, and energetic and lean and pretty. I am just too scared now to make this commitment, I am worried I will fail again. I can't afford to fail this time, because every time I do, it undermines my self esteem that little bit more. I can't afford to lose again.

Please have a look and let me know what you think.

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/#axzz1kIzHFbwk

Day 1, let's start

I have to make the point that it is not my intention to explain what the Paleo diet is, what it is all about, etc. If you are interested, there is an awful lot of literature you can find on the internet and there are a number of great books that will tell you what you need to know about it. In spite of all that, I want to give you an idea of my aproach to it, so this is how it is going to go.

What I am not eating/drinking:
Anything with wheat in it (bread, pasta, pizza, etc)
Dairy products (milk, joghurt and the sort)
Sugary stuff (drinks, cakes, buscits, etc)
Potatoes and rice

So what the hell can I eat?
Well, all the rest, that is meat and fish and vegetables and fruit and nuts.

There are a few things that you are not supposed to eat on a strict Paleo diet that I am still having because without these it would just be overly too complicated to cook anything or to fend off the occasional craving for something naughtily sweet. These are:

cheese and soured cream for cooking, rye flour and honey for baking and frankfurters for breakfast

I would also like to point out before I share with you my secret of how much I weigh (show me a woman who would be comfortable with that!) that I DO NOT think I am fat. This whole diet is about getting back to the shape I am comfortable with, the weight I was at for years. I certainly do not want to be overly skinny, what would my hubby be holding onto then?  :D
In addition to losing some weight this diet is also to keep me healthy and fit. I have a condition called hyperinsulinemia which can easily develop into diabetes and which also comes with a very hectic blood sugar level making me feel dizzy and lacking energy to do anything apart from watching telly. It is very important for me to keep my blood sugar level steady in order to remain healthy and the best way to do that is to avoid food with high glycemic index. So this is just the best possible diet I could do. If you have any kinds of health problems listed under the so called 'deseases of civilization', I would urge you to look into this diet in depth, it can make all the difference.

But enough of the talk, let's get down to business. I am 168 cm tall, and weighed in at 60.9 kg this morning before breakfast. My goal is to get down to 55-56 kg, which is a small weightloss of 5-6 kg and roughly one dress size. I should about manage to reach my goal in about a couple of months or less, I will keep you posted and share some recipes now and then as well.